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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.