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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.