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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.