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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
Being human is expensive and exhausting.