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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
about love
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.