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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?