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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.