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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.