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I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.