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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Better late than pregnant.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.