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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.