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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.