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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
I wish bedtime was all the time.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.