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ah Saturday, where it`s socially acceptable to drink in the morning. ;)
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"