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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...