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"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.