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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`