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I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...