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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.