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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
It´s never to late to be happy
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm