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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.