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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
May the bridges I burn light the way.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?