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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.