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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)