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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?