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You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.