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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.