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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.