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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.