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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Sweating is for people who do stuff.