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People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?