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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.