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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.