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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
Siri, where are my pants?
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey