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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.