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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.