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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
wants to rock and roll all night
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.