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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Iām eating just in case I get hungry later
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?