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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.