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Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."