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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
So can we just skip to summer now?
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."