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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
This century is already 15% over.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."