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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day