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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.