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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.