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Haters are my motivators(:
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson