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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.