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I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
“The darndest things.” -kids
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
Honk if you want to see my finger.