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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?