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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.