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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.