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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....