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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.