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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.