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Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Girls just wanna have funds.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.