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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.