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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...