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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...