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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Insert coin to view my status message.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome