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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol